DFFL News - For the week of December 20th, 2011

New Orange Order – F T C to meet for title 

Mzuzu, Malawi– The stage has been set for the 2011 Governor’s Cup Grand Final as the powerhouse #1 seeded New Orange Order (12-2) will take on the #4th seeded F T C (11-4) this coming weekend.

The Orange continued their demolition of all comers, this time pummeling the overmatched Teenage Grampas on Sunday 85-34 despite Grampas coach Rick Howell’s repeated attempts to cut the power to the stadium on Monday night, as well as his incessant whining that the game wasn’t over – even thought it really was. Afterwards, NOO coach Troy Erhman claimed the 85 point blitzkrieg was in commemoration of their record shattering 128 point performance set 7 years ago this week versus Lambeau’s Leap – now known as Jerk Store.  The Orange are looking for the third Governor's Cup title - having won in 2004 and 2008

They will face an F TC team that makes their first appearance in the Grand Final, after outlasting an Gamblers club who once again buckled under the pressures of the Governor’s Cup as they failed to take the next step for the 4th time in the history.  FTC and NOO split their two regular season meetings

During the post game handshake the two coaches had to be restrained after jubilant  FTC coach Jeff Gervais gave Gamblers coach Jim Gaffney a forearm to the side of the head, setting off a Jim Harbaugh - Jim Schwartz-like confrontation at midfield.  Later Gervais said he was simply trying to give Gaffney a hardy slap on the back and had no recollection of what appeared to be a pretty obvious clothesline.

The Teenage Grampas (7-8) and Gamblers (11-4) will now meet in the Vanier Cup game - to be held in scenic Xam Nua, Laos.  It will be the second consecutive appearance for the Grampas in the 3rd place game and their third visit in the past 7 years.  As mentioned above this will be the Gamblers 4th appearance in the Vanier coming away with a win in 2003 and losses in 2006 and 2007

The consolation bracket title game will also be played this weekend in scenic Reyoarfjorour, Iceland between Jerk Store (7-7) and Comadrejas Asesino (5-9-1) The Jerks will be making their first appearance in the Consolation Bracket finals, while Comadrejas Asesino are a perennial mainstay in this game – having won the so-called “Weasel Bowl” crown in 2005, 2006 and 2010.

The forecast calls for overcast with rain in the morning and a chance of snow in the afternoon. High of 39°F with a windchill of 14°F. Winds from the SSW at 20-55 mph. Chance of precipitation 80%. 

Breaking News; The 2011 Governor’s Cup Grand Final appears to be in jeopardy, due to a couple of unforeseen circumstances

Malawian officials are pleading with the DFFL Commissioner, as well as the Secretary General of the United Nations to consider playing the Grand Final elsewhere, as they claim the continued boorish behavior of  New Orange Order coach Troy Erhman has made hosting the game in Mzuzu untenable.

Erhman continues to be the ugly American, after declaring himself “President, King, Oprah, Pope, or whatever you people call your leader” on Monday  In his first order of business as leader “The Troy” has declared Grand Final Sunday, as well as his birthday, both national holidays.  He has also placed the country under martial law, devalued the local currency, and earlier today declared war on neighboring Tanzania.

Meanwhile another problem has arisen, this one involving FTC. 

The team was scheduled to arrive in Malawi on Tuesday, but had yet to leave the Twin Cities as this issue went to press. Details remain sketchy, but it appears the FTC coach Jeff Gervais, having never qualified for a Championship Week event is unable to travel abroad.  “Obviously no one thought he’d ever make the playoffs, let alone get to the (Governor’s Cup) Final” according to an unnamed league official. 

**Update**– the Grand Final remains in limbo.  As the FTC team’s exact whereabouts remain unknown. The only thing that’s known for certain is that coach Jeff Gervais is not with the team, after DFFL News learned that Gervais’ name appears on the TSA’s no-fly list, leaving him grounded in Minnesota. 

Meanwhile, at last report the FTC team was somewhere in Mozambique. After the newly self-proclaimed Generalissimo Erhman's war declaration, all of Malawi’s boarders have been closed, and all incoming flights are being diverted, leaving the team unable to enter the country.

2011 Grand Final Info ---

What;      The 2011 Governor’s Cup Grand Final

When:     Saturday 15:00 CAT (UTC +2:00)

Where:    Mzuzu, Malawi

TV:          DFFL Network – Announcers Bob Papa, Lou Holtz and Matt Millen

Line:       New Orange Order by 12

Weather: Partly cloudy. High of 79°F. Winds from the ENE at 5 mph.

News and Notes:    

As always with an event of this magnitude the sports books in Las Vegas and online have a variety of exotic wagers for this game.  Here is just a sample of what you can bet on.

The following numbers are presented for amusement and entertainment purposes only.

Total points scored:  Over/under 78 points

Coin Flip:  Even Money

First Team to Score:  Even Money

Total Number of Touchdowns: o/u 10

First Penalty against New Orange Order: o/u 3:53 of First Quarter

First Personal foul penalty against New Orange Order; o/u 3:53 of First Quarter

First Penalty against F T C: o/u 0:58 of First Quarter

First Personal foul penalty against F T C: o/u 0:58 of First Quarter

Number of sideline tantrums by coach Erhman: o/u 5

Number of sideline tantrums by coach Gervais: o/u 13

Number of coaches challenges (Both teams): o/u 14

First turnover by New Orange Order: o/u 11:30 of first quarter

First turnover by F T C: o/u 3:00 of first quarter

Total Number of turnovers (both teams): o/u 5

Total number of rushing Yards (both Teams) o/u 210 yards

Total number of Passing yards (both teams): o/u 550 yards

Total number of Penalty yards (both teams): o/u 170 yards

Total Number of TD's by New Orange Order WR's: o/u 3

Total Number of TD's by New Orange Order RB's: o/u 2

Total Number of TD's by F T C WR's: o/u 2

Total Number of TD's by F T C RB's: o/u 2

Number of receptions by New Orange Order Receivers o/u 16

Number of receptions by F T C Receivers o/u 13

Total Number of dropped Passes (both teams) o/u 9

Total Number of Defensive TD's: o/u 1

Total Number of Made Field Goals: o/u 5

Total Number of Personal Fouls (both teams): o/u 9

Total Number of taunting penalties – New Orange Order o/u 8

Total Number of taunting penalties – F T C o/u 5

Number of idiotic remarks made by Matt Millen: o/u 607

New Orange Order winning the Governor's Cup: (-140)

F T C winning the Governor's Cup: (+125)

Number of post game excuses made by the losing coach – New Orange Order o/u 5

Number of post game excuses made by the losing coach – F T C o/u 15

Game decided by tie breaker (+320)

First time the crowd starts to boo:  o/u 2:40 of the first quarter

First time the crowd does "the wave":  o/u 10:00 of the 1st quarter

First gunshot:  o/u: end of first quarter

Total number of arrests:  o/u 27